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| Casa Oasis, Todos Santos, Baja California Sur, Mexico |
Holy Shit, I'm doing it again!
I'm allowing fear of a future possibility to overshadow the enjoyment of the present reality.
Talk about shadow work ... all of this current reaction has suddenly revealed itself as a manifestation of the dark side of my fears and a tendency to retreat into a fantasy of perfection rather than embrace a reality that I can't control.
Yes, it is a possibility that we will wind up in a lopsided love, however, in truth, most probably are. Right now, what I know is that being on this journey with you makes me feel enormously happy and alive, and the thought of not being on it feels horribly dark and lonely.
I want to talk about your response to my drama, however, as long as you're still willing to go forward, I'm feeling grounded again. Perhaps all of this was a reaction to separation anxiety. I felt the old "where do I run to" pattern take over as I scanned the world for a safe place (the fantasy of taking care of elephants in Thailand even floated across the screen). ;-)
In all actuality, this journey together is subject to the ever-changingness of each of us. There is no way to guarantee any particular future and you have given me no indication that you're not committed to taking the next step. That's all either one of us can do. My wanting to lock in some future possibility is revealing itself, once again, as fear of losing what exists right now ... a fear that could easily create what I least want ... the loss of the possibility of us.
I sincerely hope this disturbance and the attempt to manipulate/force a guarantee of a future outcome that can't be guaranteed didn't cause you undue pain and anxiety. When I'm with you, I feel both safe and empowered enough to look into my own shadow when it shows up. That is an amazing gift and once again, your ability to hold the space is enormously valuable. I am beginning to glimpse my reaction patterns and hope they will modulate as we go forward.
I very much would like to hear how you've reacted to all of this. I think it would help me understand you (which I very much want to do) and more about what it means to be in a dynamic relationship. In spite of 40 years of marriage, I'm not sure I learned much about the process of handling the messy parts. However, that's your decision and I respect whatever you decide.
What I wish I had done. If there was any truth to my thoughts about your reaction to Patricia's grief, I wish my reaction would have been kinder and more compassionate towards you rather than the self-involved, fear-based direction it took. I want to be more that person.
I'm back and looking forward to next Friday.
Morning after insight: My shadow is a perfection-seeking control freak. I went seeking a name for her and discovered the two relevant articles shown below. The name I've chosen for at least one of the inhabitants of my shadow world is Vampira ... she who sucks the blood out of current reality in an attempt to survive in a dark, joyless, unreal fantasy world. Her bite can be fatal.
I wonder who else lives in that shadowy world?
OMG ... quote from Maria Shriver's Sunday Paper:
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." |
Tuli Kupferberg |
In the days when marks were given out of ten for every subject in the school curriculum my English teacher announced that she would never, on principle, award the full ten marks to anyone because, as she put it, ‘There is no such thing as the perfect essay’.
The same is true for interpersonal relationships, though we still tend to form an opinion as to whether any given relationship is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for one or both parties in the relationship, or even for a whole group. Thanks to psychoanalysis we now think about good and bad objects peopling the psyche, and we also have the attractive concept of ‘good-enough’ mothering as a sine qua non for robust self-esteem, but to speak of ‘the perfect relationship’ is to court ridicule, not to mention disaster.
By contrast, perfection is a goal more easily pursued in the cold impersonal world of science, but this does not stop some individuals from seeking it in the uncertain world of interpersonal relationships. Whether the search for perfection is in themselves on in others (which ultimately devolves onto the self), the inevitable outcome is a tyranny of sorts. Persons with obsessive and perfectionistic traits impose a burden not only on themselves but on others.
Narcissus ... my understanding of the myth stopped at him falling in love with himself. Apparently, that obsession with his reflection caused him to neglect his true self and he wasted away to nothing but a pretty flower. Suddenly, I see the tragedy in it.
Pygmalion ... trying to sculpt a perfect statue of a woman, gazing endlessly at the cold creation in front of him. He prays to Aphrodite and she brings to life the statue in the form of Galatea.
Golem ... In the legend of the Golem, a Rabbi in sixteenth century Prague, a certain Rabbi Judah Loew ben Bezalel, models a statue from a lump of clay and invests it with life in order that the Jewish community of Prague can be protected from anti-Semitic attacks.
All versions of these myths except the fairy tale ones, tend to have bad endings written into them. Total immersion in one’s image (Narcissus), or in the outwardly beautiful form of another person (Pygmalion) or in the cultivation of the mind while relying on the physical power of others (The Golem), always carries a bad prognosis.
This quest for perfection distorts our images of ourselves, and, after spinning out of control for a little while, leaves us feeling like we might lose the funnel cake we ate earlier in the day.
It swings in the fiery quarrels between my head and heart, my good sense and adventurous spirit. I’ve allowed this frenzied animal to chomp at the bit, trying to steal my sense of security, grasp on myself, and control of the reins for far too long, and it’s time to set that sucker free.
I don’t know if we’re ever truly ready to say goodbye to something, though, especially those things that cause us pain. We cling to these angelic demons because at least we’re feeling something, and, despite popular belief, that’s OK.
Her wise outlook brought me to this conclusion: I can continue to treat life’s hiccups as if they are there to suffocate me, or I can hold my breath, count to 10, and move on. We all possess the key to the door leading out into the countryside; it’s time to say goodbye to the myth of perfection and welcome in the bright light of day.
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Vampire ... sucks blood to survive. Perfectionism sucks the life blood out of reality in order to survive in a dark, joyless, unreal world.
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