Playing with Fire

Casa Oasis, Todos Santos, Baja California Sur, Mexico

Eric, something happened yesterday that felt like a flash of reality. In a brief moment, complicated by our schedule and the presence of others, I suddenly "knew" I was playing with fire.

Here's what I think might have happened: Patricia's visible grief triggered a reaction in you. In the too-brief conversation that followed, I heard something that I know triggered a reaction in me.

What I thought I was hearing during the retreat was an agreement that we were each open to seeing where "this" would go. 

What I felt during the brief "playing with fire" moment was a determination on your part not to suffer heartbreak again. 

If I heard this right, it would be a perfectly understandable and honest reaction. I believe you have been as honest as possible and may truly believe that you can participate in this journey without getting emotionally involved and thus avoid another devastating heart break.

I don't believe that's how the human heart works and mentioned something to that effect and continued with a comment that if your intent is to protect your heart, you are playing with fire. My intended meaning was that having the kind of heart-to-heart conversations we had this week, which included a flood of attention and vulnerable disclosures, was bound to wrap us in emotional connection. I fully believe that to be true. If you don't want the bonding and commitment that comes with that, this journey is hazardous for you unless you know of someway to be open and vulnerable without engaging your heart.

Unreliable memory clouds the actual words exchanged; however, the way I interpreted the exchange is that a possibility was taken off the table, that you intend to prevent future heartbreak by having a "never again" boundary: a perfectly understandable stance. However, I've run up on this before and learned a painful lesson about falling in love with someone who does not want to be fallen in love with.

Being an optimist and already feeling an emotional connection to you, my feeling now is that I no longer have a shot of "happily ever after" with you. I'm not sure how I could manage continuing with our journey knowing the apparent degree of misalignment of what we want. We'd both wind up living with the crazy lady.

I know myself fairly well in some areas and have learned from the past few days that spending more time together will continue to deepen my feelings for you. If you truly have a pre-determined boundary, it feels like I'm putting my heart at risk for someone who can't risk his.

Right now, what I think I know and feel is based on a sliver of time and words. All of what I'm categorizing as your reaction could be wrong. I own that. However, what I'm recognizing as my own reaction is the understanding that I'm on a slippery slope emotionally and, in an effort to be patient and considerate of your needs, I have not been completely honest about my own wants and needs. 

In all honesty, I want more than a travel buddy; I want a chance to create a deeply connected relationship, a true growing old together, involving the beauty and fun as well as the messy parts. As the retreat was winding down, I felt willing to risk my entire being in order to mother the baby I felt was born in the past few days.

However, there is a meme going around in the political world that says: when someone tells you who they are, believe them. What I felt in that playing-with-fire sliver of time, (which I am still processing), is that you are determined not to allow a repeat of your great heartbreak. No fault; no foul.

At the same time, I seem to be negating the possibility of a non-emotionally engaged friendship. I have to own that one and explore whether or not I am capable of maintaining that level of engagement with you. At the moment, it doesn't feel like a possibility. It would mean shutting down the emotional connection already budding.

I am open to conversation; however, I think both of us need time to contemplate what we truly want. I need to let my feelings calm enough that I can think through the possibility of disengaging emotions from our journey. While that feels impossible, I also recognize the downside of that belief: ending the journey and losing the beautiful potential of conversation and connection that it promises. That brings with it a pain that brings me to tears.

I am offering all of this with the hope that we can find our way to an alignment that serves both of us. I assume it may take time for you to process this, so I am not expecting an immediate response nor a quick fix. At the same time, I can't just move on to "next Friday" with this elephant on the table.

joyce

Questions I need to grapple with...

• Is this a "refusal of the call" on his or my part?
• Are we clear about what we want and need? Am I clear about my own specific needs and wants?
• What does it mean that he couldn't find a way to pack the small artifacts I gave him and seemed relieved when I offered to bring them to Julian?
• What does it mean that I so readily solved the dilemma for him?
• What does it mean that we descended into silence and let external reality control the moment?
• What would it do to me to continue a journey into a lopsided relationship?
• Is this fear speaking or a rational understanding of the reality of the situation?
• Who could help me process this conundrum?
• Am I being seduced by the continuing "karmic" quality of this journey? ... Durango, Boulder, Montana, Coeur d'Alene ... bizarre.