JW: Inner and Outer

EWR. So, feeling more than a little under the weather on this rainy evening, I find myself thinking about the journey and your thoughts about inner vs. outer. 

I have been thinking about the journey as an inner one, primarily because that's how Campbell frames it and nothing else really makes sense. But the journey as myth seems so active and engaging, whereas the inner work seems so reflective and dis-engaging (as in retreating). Maybe that's why I am having trouble making it seem real. 

My circumstances are, for the moment, relatively stable, but we know that can change in a New York minute. I find myself hoping that Deloitte calls me back and yet I don't know why I would wish for this unless I am feeling insecure about the future, which I am. We both seem to be having trouble letting go of the old ways of being and doing and making choices from that adapted place rather than genuine conviction. 

What you describe as generosity in your story about the young man strikes me as compassion more than generosity. He was in need and you responded. But if I understand generosity at all, it's that the giving is as natural as breathing, there is genuine joy in giving to others. 

So maybe there's a way to get more clarity about generosity vs. compassion. I am simply too insecure to give generously, there's always a calculation in the back of my mind about whether I should give and how much. 

As for the boon, well, I don't think I found it yet. And there seem to be a lot of stages ahead on this journey, and no guarantees about where it will end up. 

Lastly for tonite (since I am tired of correcting my typos☹️). I suspect there has to been some kind of calling about giving back, a place where your inner desires match the outer opportunities. There's lots of things I could do but none of them seem especially compelling. 

The meeting I mentioned was a disaster. There were supposed to be three of us: one project owner and two content designer. It was supposed to be a one-hour presentation of the draft content and a rough cut of a conference agenda, and then a brainstorming session. The project, with only 9 weeks to go, is in the critical-rush stage.

Six people turned up and the project owner launched the meeting with his, previously non-existent, version of the content as well as his already cast in concrete agenda, and then turned to us and said, "So, let's see what you've got." It went down hill from there for an hour and a half as all the new comers chimed in with their opinions.

Quoting my formerly least favorite president, "There's got to be a pony in there somewhere." What is the take away from this?

First, being in the room at all. While the project was somewhat interesting and related to old skills, the main reason I accepted it was because I thought it would be an easy paid gig that would help a former associate. Even though it pushed all my intuition buttons that it was a flawed concept, the money was green.

Looking for the Boon

The real takeaway from this may circle back to a statement you made sometime ago about looking for the boon to take back from our journey. I wonder if we've been so engaged with the inner part of the journey, the getting to know ourselves, that we've ignored the outer part of the journey of finding something to take back as a boon to the world?

This week I attended a panel discussion, hosted by Shelter Box (my new favorite charity) and featuring an International Women's Day panel discussion ... 5 amazing local women: the president of Shelter Box, the CEO of Women's Economic Ventures (offers support for women entrepreneurs), the Dean of Student Life at UCSB, a former California state senator, and the editor of the Montecito Journal.

Each of them was inspiring and amazing and I wound up meeting other incredible women doing really interesting things. It made me want to get more involved in the "give back" culture of this area.

This is not to say that what we've been doing hasn't been helpful ... I don't think I would be thinking about these things in these terms if we hadn't been doing the work we're doing. I feel more like I might be sneaking up on clarity and confidence. And, maybe my boon to carry back means that I need to follow the pull that I feel toward these women role models and finding my own way to be of service.

Another conversation that has played into this was the one on generosity and how it shows up in people. Contemplating how little I seem to be a generous person ... as compared to someone like Dolores who sort of radiates generosity ... made me wonder how I could be more generous.

Then an opportunity showed up. I've written a post about it for a future newsletter but it's too long to add here. Basically, in a sort of convoluted way, I saw a homeless young man walking around campus barefoot on a chilly day and wound up giving him a serape I had bought long ago in Mexico as well as some shoes and socks. It made me wonder if there is sort of slow-twitch muscle for generosity. (Something to talk further about.)

This is meandering toward a conclusion that I want to be more generous and, obviously, I can't be all that generous with money so it is going to have to be in some sort of service or creative expression (my choice). There is an idea that's raising a very timid hand (although I have a couple of meetings already set to talk about it), and this fiasco with the conference program may just be a confirmation that I can't just go after the money ... or continue to do creative expression making stuff that goes no where.

(Finally she gets to a conclusion! Plus, she reads the post prior to this one and realizes they are connected.)

If there are any connections in this to what you're thinking about, I'd love to talk more about it.