Circles of Trust

Trust, as the psychoanalyst Erik Erikson observed, is the most basic dimension of human relatedness. Without it there is no possibility of authenticity or intimacy. It is present when we are with people who regard us with both compassionate understanding and non-judgment. 

The author and teacher Parker Palmer has developed a form of community to build trust. In his book A Hidden Wholeness : The Journey towards an Undivided Life, he talks about the structure and purpose of Circles of Trust.

“Circles have no agenda except to help people listen to their own souls and discern their own truth….Its singular purpose is to support the inner journey of each person in the group, to make each soul feel safe enough to show up and speak its truth, to help each person listen to his or her inner teacher."...

Palmer describes the relationships between members.

“A circle of trust consists of relationships that are neither invasive nor evasive. In this space, we neither invade the mystery of another's true self nor evade another’s struggles. We stay present to each other without wavering, while stifling any impulse to fix each other up. We offer each other support in going where each needs to go, and learning what each needs to learn, at each one's pace and depth"...

"The relationships in such a group are not pushy but patient; they are not confrontational but compassionate; they are not filled up with expectations and demands but with abiding faith in the reality of the inner teacher and in each person’s capacity to learn from it…

…In such a space we are free to hear our own truth, touch what brings us joy, become self critical about our faults, and take risky steps towards change, knowing that we will be accepted no matter what the outcome.”

There are a few essential guidelines. Circles of trust require:

1) clear boundaries and limits and 

2) being intentional about why we are together, where we want to go, and how we must relate to each other if we are to reach our destination. 

Sounds like a perfect mission statement for us. A circle need not be larger than two people, so I was thinking “let’s you and me form circle of trust”. 

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Notes from Parker Palmer YouTube

• Parker circle groundrules: Walk with each other, by each other's side ... no fixing, no saving, no advising, no correcting. Akin to sitting at the bedside of a dying person. Nothing you can do to fix this person. You learn not to be invasive.
• Ask honest, open questions.
• Interesting discussion of Quaker meetings. Parker: I aspire to be a Quaker, a person of non-violence
• Book: fearless dialogues
• Howard Thurman "fellow travelers with Quakers"
• Parker Book: On the brink of well-being
• Learning curve in 80s -- closer to beginner's mind. "I was born baffled." Plus the deep gratitude.
• Well-being - capacity to integrate that which is broken in you into the sense of the whole.
• Quote Florida Scott Maxwell 80s “You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality.” - Florida Scott Maxwell  Book Measure of My Days:
• At eighty-two, Florida Scott-Maxwell felt impelled to write about her strong reactions to being old, and to the time in which we live. Until almost the end this document was not intended for anyone to see, but the author finally decided that she wanted her thoughts and feelings to reach others. Mrs. Scott-Maxwell writes: “I was astonished to find how intensely one lives in one’s eighties. The last years seemed a culmination and by concentrating on them one became more truly oneself. Though old, I felt full of potential life. It pulsed in me even as I was conscious of shrinking into a final form which it was my task and stimulus to complete.”
• The territory of the old is not Scott-Maxwell’s only concern.  In taking the measure of the sum of her days as a woman of the twentieth century, she confronts some of the most disturbing conflicts of human nature—the need for differentiation as against equality, the recognition of the evil forces in our nature—and her insights are challenging and illuminating. The vision that emerges from her accumulated experience of life makes this a remarkable document that speaks to all ages.