"What if" thought experiment ... self talk

Thursday, during Substack's Office Hours, I "met" a 15 year-old writer with her own Substack. She is apparently Italian and, through google translate, wrote the words below on her About Page:

Hi, I'm Anna Matilde, the sassy brain behind "Pensieri a Nonvera" on Substack, your go-to source of fresh, rebellious, and brilliant insight. At just fifteen, I sail between classical culture and the frenzy of the modern with the audacity of a pirate and the elegance of an acrobat.

I am fascinated by Anna and what it might have meant to my life if I had met Substack when I was 15. And that triggered a whole "what if" thought experiment. I only seem to figure out what I want by trying stuff, most of which I realize I didn't want at all. However, I now seem to have happened on to much I do want:

living by the ocean

not having to worry about house keeping, cooking, shopping

owning my time

not worrying about money or making money but having a possibility of doing so

having a deep conversation confidante

having access to the information of the world

being surrounded by beauty with a lot of appealing places to walk

having developed two outlets for creativity that bring me joy: photography/digital art and writing

having a few deep friendships that comfort me

having energy and enthusiasm for life

being able to swim in a beautiful pool when I want.

So, if I had had a place to put my writing at 15, I might have developed more competency, might have become a writer with a bigger name or following ... or might not have and might have missed the life I have lived which landed me in this place at this time.

Also, any other "what if" I can think of would wind up in the same place: I am happy where I am.

Which kind of brings me to the mushroom thing. What is it that a heroic trip might bring me? This greater understanding of myself sounds like the right reason ... but is it? If this "shell" thing broke open, what would that do for me? Would I like myself more? Would I finally go to Africa to feed the starving children.

This morning I read an Atlantic article about a new religious movement that is sweeping not only the US but apparently the world. People committed to turning this world into the Kingdom of God by dismantling government systems. They apparently are honoring indigenous peoples and beliefs. At the same time, water off the coast of Florida has reached hot tub temperatures ... 100 degrees. I am watching a Graham Hancock series called "Ancient Apocalypse." I've been reading him since my 20s ... he still piques my curiosity with his thought that a major civilization was wiped out before the last ice age by a major geologic shift and a major flood. He doesn't have scientific standing or approval and yet his travels around the major megalithic sites of the world ... all seemingly dating back to about 9600 BC are arrestingly interesting. Serpent Mound in Ohio calls to me.

If it happened once, it could happen again. We could be at the beginning. This too shall pass. If I believed this, what would be important in my last years? How would I comfort myself? How would I comfort those around me? Would mushrooms give me clarity?

Some folks here at Friendship Manor have begun to have pool parties complete with margaritas, snacks and bawdy conversations. They are like teenagers ... having fun ... being carefree. Why do I hold myself off from these affairs? Should I join in? Would mushrooms make me want to join in?

I still have energy and health. I still have choices. I am very comfortable where I am. Is that my purpose?

Does life even have a purpose? Stay tuned.