EWR Hot Flashes and Cold Feet
I woke up this morning feeling like I was allowing myself to get sucked back into the safety net. This past week I’ve been in a conservative mood which usually signals I am seeking safety and security, and is the opposite of the risk I want to take.
I was revisiting that phrase of Brian Eno‘s “a charisma of uncertainty“. I have definitely lost touch with that and the inspiration it provoked. I keep rearranging the furniture in the condo I am living in, which is another indicator of seeking safety and security by putting everything in its proper place.
I really need to connect with or reconnect with an experience of joy and abandonment. Interesting I should use that word since that’s always been the source of my psychological pain. And yet there it is, having slipped out in a kind of Freudian way.
This is not entirely a regression, more like an alert or a marker on the path, telling me that I’m starting to turn back rather than moving forward.
I am trying to make this too safe and moving away from the risks and what I want to do is move forward despite my anxiety.
I am nurturing this version and the vision is to move to London at the end of the year and rent an apartment for six months and during that six months to take advantage of all the access I would have to the things that call to me: hiking in the English countryside, visiting Zürich, a trip to Portugal, revisit places in Ireland, taking the Eurostar into Paris, spending my time in pubs and bookstores and wonderful restaurants.
Even as I write I can feel myself shying away from this as if it were a crazy, even idiotic, schemes, as opposed to something that is very doable and indeed it’s done every day, I suspect, by thousands of people with far less financial resources than I have. Something tells me I should focus on the possibilities and not the obstacles!
Ay Guey! What a cool wake up state. Love your expansion and ... in a not-advice way ... want to say hold on to it ... go for it ... you've got this ... you deserve to live your best life ... to experiment with possibilities . I feel like this is what this journey is about ... being more of who we are. I feel the joy in what you've written and want to support it completely.
ReplyDeleteAlso, last night I was grappling with "boundaries" and kept coming back to "I don't want to have boundaries! I want to break through my boundaries!" I believe we have come to a level of trust that, should something tweak a sensitivity, we would talk through it. Your state this morning is enlivening my courage also. This is liberating.
ReplyDeleteAnd, just a logistical thing: I'm open to changing the retreat schedule. I think I can cancel Julian until 2/25. In my opinion, what you're experiencing is more important than a pre-determined date. We've both said we're flexible ... maybe this is an opportunity to test that. I am excited for you
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